Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A letter to my Children





This is one of the posts I knew I would write and I knew would be hard to begin, but throughout the month of May my mind always turns to my childhood, my teenage years, my early married life and I often think about the pivotal moments that have molded me to where I am today. I have always wanted to write a letter to my children about the importance of making the most out of each day, something that even still I struggle with, knowing that every moment we choose to pass the day without being grateful for the little things that we will have wasted a precious moment that we can never regain. In saying all of that I need to write today about the day I realized this truth.
To My Sweet Children,
I woke up May 20, 2002 feeling full of happiness feeling like I could conquer the trials I felt I had and ready to face a new day with what seemed to be more energy and vigor. My heart was full for a good portion of the morning and I found myself excited to meet and help the new people in my ever changing client base at the job I was working. Then as intensely as my exciting strength came on a cold anxious feeling came over me. Something did not feel right. I was nervous, my mind was racing and it would not stop to ponder the reason for the feelings I was getting. I felt I needed to call my family. I called the house and an unfamiliar voice answered, strangely I hung up. But again, I felt I needed to call. The same voice answered this time and I realized it was a cousin. Asking why she was there she calmly told me that a terrible accident had occurred and that my Dad was hurt badly. At first I thought he will be ok he will pull through and again the spirit told me what I was to do. As soon as I was off the phone I made immediate arrangements to fly home to Arizona. As we arrived in Phoenix a wonderful family member picked us up and rushed us to the hospital, just in time to sit down with the doctor to learn that my dad would not make it. As he was saying this I was feeling that rush of memories that you always hear about and wonder if you will ever experience. I did not have any children at the time and I asked in prayer how my children would ever know a man I admired and hoped I would be like some day. Again the knowledge came to me, to teach through stories of him, be an example of his love. At that moment I recognized the Savior's love for me. How he suffered for me so that I could be strong in a time like this. I miss my father still and still weep to think that he can not share all the sweet moments our family will have here in this life. I feel his presence in our home and in our lives. I know he loves us and I know he watches over you. He was a kind and gentle man. He was simple and was thankful for everything in his life. He loved everyone and willingly gave service to those around him. He never spoke badly of anyone even those who had wronged him in the past. He was loved by a community of people and his legacy still thrives there as one of honor and commitment to life. He talked often of his love for you even though he had not met you yet. He loved Me and he loved your Dad. He was a good father and took the time to talk with me about my dreams and my goals. He treated me as an equal and raised me with love and respect for anyone I met. Most important he knew his Savior, he followed his example and he was committed to that knowledge. Happy Heaven Day sweet babies. May you look forward to the day you meet your grandpa face to face. I pray you enjoy each day and that you may be able to look back on the memories of your life as if they were yesterday and know with a surety that you did all you could do through out your life.

21 comments:

Lauren said...

What a beautiful letter! I remember when this happened and thinking how amazing you were through this trial. I'm sure it is still so heartbreaking. By the way- your Dad was very handsome!!

LuAnne said...

Oh Traci, I remember this day too. I had had lunch with your parents (after stake conference) a day or 2 before it happened. He was such a great man. Everyone loved him! He has such a great spirit. I know he is missed. This is such a sweet letter that you wrote for your children. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.

thequailfamily said...

Traci, I really dont know what to say. I met lots of people when I was in Winslow, unfortunatley I dont remember them all. But you dad was alays one I remembered. I remember he was on my first ever temple trip. I was absolutley shocked when I found out, I wish I could have been there for you. Best wishes xxoo

PS. You and your mum are so similar...beautiful!

The Giles Files said...

Loosing a parent is tough, and sometimes lonely - especially for those big milestones - like having a child. I know all too well. But, I don't think your kids have to wait to meet him. I think they already knew him before they came down and joined your beautiful family. Hey, think of it this way, your dad got the preview:) And I know he keeps an eye on them even now. He was a wonderful man, and raised a great daughter. And now because of you, his legacy of compassion and goodness will be passed down. From somewhere up there, I imagine he's a pround papa grinning ear to ear:)

Lani said...

We think about your dad all the time and I loved seeing the pictures of him! Thanks for sharing your memories.

Meg and Jeremy said...

Traci I cried when I read this. I think that you are a great example to your kids, the same your Dad was to you. He would be proud of you and Stewart for the way you raise them and the way you live. You're an example to us and we love you!

Stephanie said...

Oh Man! Well that was such a sweet letter and I can only imagine how many kleenex's you had sitting around your computer, cause I had quite a few. Your dad was a great guy and we all love and miss him.

Kelly said...

Hey Tracy, I cried reading your letter. I lost my dad too, not even a year ago, and though the circumstances were so different, one thing was the same. I also woke up with extra energy to tackle life and I also got a prompting about what was coming...that it would be okay. One thing I am grateful for is that when you pass through pain - I can see by your letter and my experiences - you get grounded. You can never live in the shallow again because you know too much. There is so much more to life. It's such a pleasure to pass that on to kids...

everyday katie said...

Very well written. That was very sweet. I'm sure you're children will already know your dad when they get to meet him face to face. His legacy lives on through you and your family.

Angie Whitman said...

Traci, That was a beautiful letter and thank you for sharing it. I can't imagine how hard that must be to not have your father here to share in your cute family. I am sure he is watching over you and what a sweet reunion it will be! Those lessons that we learn are the hardest, but I think the people who have been through the hardest stuff are the ones I look up to the most. I am thankful for the reminder of how important it is to follow promptings and to be in tune enough to hear them.

Lauri said...

Beautifully written! I know as I'm sure you do that your dad is constantly watching over your mom and each of his children and now grandchildren. He is there when he needs to be. Thanks for sharing such intimate feelings.

Lauri said...

Me again...

I just went back and read several months of your blogs. I haven't seen you since you were about 14 years old and you are BEAUTIFUL. What a great looking family you all are!

The Scotts said...

You are amazing! That is such an awesome letter to your kids and they will love it! Oh the fun times we have here on this earth. From what you have said about your Dad he seems like a great man and he raised a great daughter. I feel the same way about wishing my Mom could be here with my kids and know that she LOVED being a Grandma. I know that she had a special relationship with Lily before she came. It is amazing how the Lord blesses us and comforts us through our trials and how we can grow from them if we choose.


PS Your hair looks cute short too geak! It totally doesn't even look like you though. Both are cute. Lets cut it someday and see if Stewart notices!!

Everyone said...

Amen Traci ... Amen.

Todd, Christy, and Co. said...

That is such a Beautiful letter! I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to lose a parent- Your family has seemed to deal with it well. Your children will love to have this letter to read when they are grown!

Kristal said...

Beautiful letter. Your kids are so lucky to have such a loving and caring mom. I know my parents loved your dad, as well as everyone that knew him I'm sure. Your kids will always cherish and appreciate the feelings you've shared in this letter.

Unknown said...

I remember this day very vividly! U remember my dad and mom rushing to Winslow Hospital to be there! I know for a fact that my dad absolutely loved and respected your dad! You mother gave my family a picture of him and we keep him on the mantel and everytime I stop and look at that I miss him greatly! He was a wonderful man who raised a wonderful family! If he was here today he would be so proud but I know in my heart he is watching over you and smiling all the way! I just wanted to tell you this Traci! He meant a lot to a lot of different people! I wasn't there at the hospital til later and I'm not going to tell you what I know but your father is in a much better place and even though that is hard to hear you will see him again!

Stewart & Sheila Smith Family said...

I sit here with tears running down my face. What a beautiful letter, that I am sure your children and our grandchildren will cherish. Your Dad was a wonderful man and still is today. He is close by and hopefully that will get you through the not so good days. Love you Mom Smith

Corri Havlicek said...

Excellent letter, very touching. I remember this day well. I worked for Loren Sadler, Architect and we did lots of business with your father. We all knew and respected him, also because he was a member of our Stake Presidency. He was also in my ward and I was in the Relief Society Presidency. It was the hardest funeral I've ever had to do, but wonderful to be able to serve your family at the same time. I had Kendall one year later, to the day, so I also think about this every year.

Jen and Bryan said...

seriously heartbreaking. That is so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing it with everyone and not just your children.

Terry and Heather said...

Hey I have some pictures of our little boy up. Take a look when you get a chance.